As I pursue through Facebook this morning contemplating my New Year New Moon Manifestations that I’m about to create I ran across this article on marriage and the equality or the lack of quality our country currently has. Our nation is currently undergoing a beautiful process of allowing same-sex marriage and I believe is everyone’s right to spend the rest of their days growing with the individual of their choosing. Oh wait a second there… growing with one another isn’t what our currently typical wedding vows state. Currently when we get hitched we go for the standard ‘love, honor, cherish, through sickness and health, ’till death do us part’ vows or they write their own and from what I’ve heard basically states the same thing.
Typically when we get married we are NOT thinking of what those words mean individually. Honor for example, has become such an outdated word that we rarely hear it in daily life, except when watching a period movie, but even then do we really understand it? Honor, we typically go to duty first, privilege second and of someone whom has made sacrifice third. What if we really looked at the other meaning of the word like admiration, respect, responsibility? Now if our vows actually said I will (or even I want to) admire you for the rest of my life, I think the other person would say (or at least I would say) “you’re off your rocker, there is no way you can keep me up on that pedestal, and how the f*ck do you plan on continuing to admire me when I know you’ll be pissed off to no end at some point?” How would you react?
Having been through a short marriage myself 20 years ago, I don’t think we went with the typical but I honestly cannot remember if we wrote our own vows or if the non denominational preacher had something spiritual to say for us. What that marriage taught me was not how to love someone who I did not want to marry. It did not teach me patience. It did not teach me that I am lovable (quite the opposite). What it did teach me was what I didn’t want in a relationship. It showed me the things that I was not going to be putting up with in the future. I spent a long time being single out of fear of marriage, after all there was no way in hell I wanted to go through that again. Plus, up until that point in time, I had gone from one relationship to another and I never again wanted a conversation or argument to start because the other person thought I wasn’t over the last boyfriend because I wasn’t in love with them in the way that they wanted to feel loved. Sure it may have taken a very long time to get over the hurt of my first love and the pain created from my marriage, but fear of becoming a person that was so needy that they only knew who they were because of their relationship was a far greater fear than my fear of being single and unloved.
Yes I had a fear of not ever being loved (who hasn’t at some point), however for me that word love means something completely different. What is it really? Oh sure I say it, but couldn’t we really just be saying instead “wow, thanks for helping me get to a state of feeling completely content!” When we are in deep meditation and release ourselves from emotion and thought we become one. So why not say “thank you for helping me be in a state of complete awareness of giving and receiving.” To me, the words I love you are a short cut to a deeper awareness within ourselves, and it is that awareness that I would rather see expressed than those 3 little words I love you. What if we took out the word love and left the space blank to insert other emotional states of being? I ____ you could then become I admire you, I respect you, I am grateful for you. But shouldn’t those sentences be expanded upon? For example what in that moment are you admiring, respecting or grateful for the person? To me that brings so much more intimacy into the words because we are sharing our perception of the person and becoming vulnerable which is what we think we are doing by saying, I love you. I believe those conversations mean so much more to our partners than hearing I love you a million times.
There are also arranged marriages that seem to have a better success rate. Is that because they value commitment differently? Is it because they ask themselves questions like “What will it take to be happy in this marriage?” Let’s explore that for a second. Do we ever even think to ask that of ourselves when we are being overwhelmed by love? Do we stop to ask ourselves or the other person what we are willing to do and go through to continue a lifelong commitment with one another? What do we need from ourselves and the other person? Do we need to also commit to a strong daily spiritual practice so that we are able to get out of ourselves long enough to actually witness our partners life and not react to it? How often are we taking time to ask our partner what we are bringing to them? What do they get out of being partnered with us?
While for years I knew what I didn’t want, it took me almost as long to figure out what I do want. I can now tell you that I am no longer afraid to walk towards or away from a partner. However, for me, I need to know that I am capable of living with all of the above questions answered and working with a partner before I will even consider committing myself to a piece of paper or as the kids say these days, put a ring on it. So years ago, after I defined what love is to me, I put a West African Adinkra symbol of Odo Nnyew Fie Kwan on my ring finger and this symbol means love never loses its way home. You see for me living as a psychic medium I am able to connect with the core of your soul which is an endless expansiveness of possibility without time and space. What we choose to give of ourselves from that part of our soul is our outwardly expression of love. Although we can feel at times that we are lost or we have forgotten who we truly are, we are always connected and by tapping back into that connection (either through ourselves, higher power, or our connection to others) we will find our way home to the heart of our soul.
Why not change vows to be “We will individually continue our commitment of staying connected to our soul, and to care for the expression of our soul so that we are available to witness the connection our partner has with their soul and to the care they bring to expressing it”. That my friends is how we practice honor and admiring our partner through the shit storms that come… and go.
And now back to creating my New Year New Moon Manifestations or rather I should now say my New Year New Moon Soul Expression Manifestations!